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My New Blog

      I know I have been neglecting this blog quite a bit, but it is because I have created a new blog. It is entirely different though, as it is a blog about saving, earning, winning, and spending money wisely. I'm trying to generate an income online and create a job for myself. So the blog is about my slow journey to become financially independent. As always, I sincerely appreciate the support and everyone who takes the time to read this blog or my new one.

http://youngandpennywise.blogspot.com/

     This post is long overdue. And I appreciate all your patience. I know when bloggers with mental health related topics stop posting for a while, it is natural to assume it is because they are not in a good place. Over these past few weeks and months I have gone through a lot of positive experiences. I have moments where I truly feel like I am taking huge strides in moving forward. But I still have the occasional day or weeks even, where the hopelessness once again sets in. And it still feels so paralyzing.
     I have completed some very significant exposures recently. I took a pretty major trip to meet someone for the first time. So it was basically meeting someone new, going on a date, traveling a significant distance alone and visiting a new city/province all in one weekend. I also had a couple surprise encounters with people I went to high-school with on public transit. And this is always a fear I have when taking the bus. Moreover, I went to a get-together, including some old high-school friends and people I didn't know very well. I also have been doing in-group exposures every week. But all of these exposures deserve an individual post in much detail. And when I get around to actually writing it, the trip post will be extensive.
     It felt good to accomplish my exposures. It really did. However, it was also truly exhausting. The amount of anxiety I felt leading up to any of these exposures, versus the actual amount of time I spent in them, feels so completely unjust and unbalanced. I just have to envision a time where accomplishing these types of things won't seem like a challenge, but just part of a healthy social life. 

Expectations

"Anger always come from frustrated expectations." 

- Elliot Larson 

"I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine."

- Fritz Peals 

"The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations." 

- Eli Khamarov 

"Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don't over-analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness." 

- Leo F. Buscaglia 

"I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, and do not let expectations hinder my path." 

- Dalai Lama 

"Our desires always disappoint us; for though we meet with something that gives us satisfaction, yet it never thoroughly answers our expectation." 

- Elbert Hubbard 

"Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood."

"Life is so constructed, that the event, does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation." 

- Charlotte Bronte 

My Last Doctors Appointment

     On Friday, I had an appointment with my doctor at the hospital, to check in on how I was doing on my medication. I have been taking 30mg Celexa since August, and 20mg for a couple more months prior. After giving it much thought, I have come to the conclusion that it is not helping. I have no issues taking medication if it truly helps. But I just don't feel much of a difference. So I explained this to my doctor. He suggested I increase my dose to 40mg and then in a month we will re-evaluate. 
     Since I've tried 3 other medications first (Cipralex, Pristiq, Wellbutrin XL), I was curious to hear what the next attempts might be. Prozac, Zoloft or Paxil were the few he mentioned. I think the novel and movie, 'Prozac Nation,' has made Prozac sound a little alarming to me. However, I was happy to hear him mention Zoloft. A friend with social anxiety, told me he wouldn't have even been able to look at me or carry on any sort of conversation before he started taking Zoloft. 
     But in the meantime, I've begun taking 40mg of Celexa daily. If my doctor hadn't insisted I try the increased dosage, I would already be onto the next drug. I feel a little concerned about taking a higher dose, because I don't want to feel nothing. I know some people after taking these medications just feel numb. I just want to find the medium ground. I don't want my anxiety or depression to consume me as much as it does, but I also don't want to be left unable to feel any sort of emotion.

Actively Blogging Again Soon

I have not been writing very much lately. Which is pretty unproductive, because a fair amount has been going on lately. Some good, some bad. Many ups & downs. I have a lot of emotions and thoughts I need to sort out, and writing is the most therapeutic thing I can do. I've been relying, heavily, on listening to Adele...over and over again. Tomorrow, I have a doctors appointment and my CBT group. I'll give a more lengthy, much-needed update next week.

TMI Tuesday

I saw the concept of, "Too Much Information - Tuesday's" on a girl's tumblr account and I love the idea of it. So ask me anything, and I'll post the answers every Tuesday. You can email/facebook/tweet me your questions, or if you want it to be anonymous just type in the question to my formspring account on the right or click here. 

I was wondering about your treatment. When your doctor prescribed your meds, did they make you sign up for counseling as well? Asking because I'd like to sign up for treatment but can't afford therapy. 
     My doctor did set me up with a mental health counselor, who made visits from her office. I was also in your position and could not afford therapy. In the beginning, I was seeing him weekly, but eventually it was less often. However, now with being part of the anxiety program at St. Joes, I don't really feel it necessary to keep seeing him. But it almost took a year to even get into the anxiety program in the first place. And my doctor also put in the referral to the program at St. Joes.

Did your doctor take you seriously when you first told her about your anxiety? 
    She completely took me seriously. However, I only spoke to her about my anxiety, after being taken to emergency by my mother when I was contemplating suicide. So I kind of hit rock bottom before I was even able to ask for help. I definitely don't recommend the circumstances around how I finally got help.


Where did you go to college? Would you recommend the program for someone who wants to get into film-making?  
     I went to school at Humber College for the Film & Television Production course. I absolutely recommend it. I went into the program knowing absolutely nothing about film-making. 


Have you ever been sexually abused?
     No, thankfully. 


What is the most inappropriate thing anyone has ever said to you?
     Probably just blunt statements about my chest. One time, that really sticks out in my mind though, I was at a water park when I was honestly like 12 years old and some guy came up to me and said and I quote, "Aren't you too young to have implants?" 


Have you ever given out the wrong phone number to someone who tried to pick you up? 
    I'm not entirely sure if I've ever given the wrong phone number. Honestly, I feel bad about lying to someone. I could never ask somebody for their phone number, so I have a lot of empathy for guys. However, as I've mentioned before, I don't easily find myself attracted or interested in many guys. So usually I just then ignore when they call or text me. Which is just as terrible. I think this has something to do with why I try and avoid male attention. 

What is the most embarrassing thing you've ever done in front of a guy? 
     Haha oh god, this one is easy for me. I was visiting someone I was seeing, and we got drunk. I got so drunk that I ended up waking up in the middle of the night and puking on his floor. Then proceeded to puke in the bathroom for a while. I also think I might have cried throughout the duration of that. But he was actually so sweet about all of it. And when I woke up he had even washed my clothes for me. Not my one of my finest moments. But it could have been worse, if he hadn't been such a good guy.